An Open Letter to Gay Guys Who Look Down On “Fem Guys”

Gay Fem 2014 Bold & Sugar

To all gay men who make it a habit of looking down on/making fun of feminine gay men,

Let me first apologize. I didn’t realize it was so hard to be masculine and gay at the same time. People stare at you, call you names, and even threaten your life. All because you blend in with the rest of society and are able to hide and even deny your sexuality when it conveniences you. That’s how it works, right?

All sarcasm aside, what I’m definitely not going to apologize for is your skewered belief that sparkly, flamboyant gay men make other “normal” gay men look bad. No, I believe our culture in general is doing a fine job of that, you know, the church fanatics that want us all put to death and political/religious leaders who have outlawed our lifestyle in other countries. I don’t apologize for that. In fact, I don’t even excuse it.

At a time when we’re supposed to be standing together as a community, we couldn’t be farther apart. Gay men don’t even accept each other, yet we want the same rights as everyone else. We should be united, but instead we’re worried about how someone else who’s going through the same struggles as any gay man might make us be perceived by others.

The ironic thing about it all is that you look down on feminine gay men because they’re actually stronger than you. Anyone who can get up and walk out of their house knowing they will be rejected by most of the people they run into has to be strong and thick-skinned. There’s no alternative. So, then, it makes sense that you would have a problem with someone who’s brave enough to be the person you don’t have the guts to be.

Feminine gay men don’t need to become more masculine to make you more comfortable, just like you don’t have to become completely straight just to make suspiciously-curious homophobes more comfortable. There’s no such thing as gender norms. That’s yet another hold-back element invented by our male-dominated culture.

But I won’t spew out a full dissertation on this post. I’ll just make it simple:

I am not less of a person because my hair is long, my eyebrows are plucked, I regularly wear makeup and dress feminine, or even for the way I choose to talk and present myself.

I am not less of a person because, unlike you, I can easily be picked out in a crowd because of my flamboyant personality and behavior. Sorry, not all of us want to spend our lives trying desperately to fit in with the rest of the world. It’s boring. 

I am not less of a person because you specified on your Grindr/Adam4Adam/OkCupid/Plenty of Fish profile that you only date “real” masculine men and will block sissy, fem boys. 

I am not less of a person just like you are not less of a person. We’re both gay men. We’re in this together, all pettiness aside. 

I am NOT part of the “faggot” imaginary subgroup designated for gay men who aren’t twinks with washboard abs and Miley Cyrus haircuts. 

I am not less of a person because, put simply, you and the rest of the world do not get to define who I am either way.

I am a person first, and if society wants to use how I, as an individual, act in order to define an entire group of people, that’s their problem, isn’t it?

Shout Out!

11 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Gay Guys Who Look Down On “Fem Guys”

  1. Pingback: Why Do Masculine Gay Guys Look Down On Feminine Guys? / Queerty

  2. There is a big difference between flamboyance and being feminine. Go to Europe or even Asia my friend….because although you have a point, you’re rant becomes far too illogical because one isn’t sure which men you are referring too?

    Also, effeminate gays are the majority in EVERY gay scene. So you are moaning because a few gay guys are complaining? YOU are represented 100% in every show or advertisement as what a gay man is.

    You also haven’t touched on innate and learned behavior. I know many gay guys who played the over feminine role to fit into gay culture, when they don’t care for homophobic opportunistic female singers nor do they crave bitching about everyone at all times(generalisations…sucks huh?), only once they grew confident, they became themselves.

    Gay men who hate men but love women is worrying and very problematic-there is nothing wrong with the male species. Women and their mannerisms are beautiful and so are men-these should be appreciated.

    Unfortunately extremists like you end up creating divisive behaviors on an important point you made.

    • Effeminate gays are not the majority lol. Check grindr, jackd, or any gay club for that matter and you’ll easily see just how many more self-identified “masc” gays there are. The world is only biased into thinking otherwise since effeminate gays are the most visible.

      • I hate it that yo fem gay men think, we masculine men are masculine because we want to “fit in” with homophobic str8s.

        We are masculine is because its what we like in ourselves, and what we like in other men, and there fore the reason we are attracted to other “men” in the first place.

        The masculinity we love in ourselves and other men just make it easier for us to hide.
        The majority of you fem men love masc men and you know you cant get them because we generally dont like you.

        Off course there are only 2 fem men I am friends and sex with, and they dont deliberately show the world they fem, its just who they are.

        And those so called masc men in those gay bars, are NOT masc, they are just fem men who have masc features.

        We masculine men think you must be ALL masculine.

        YOu fem men think you know us, you don’t, you dont like it that we judge you, yet you judge us with your ignorance.

        this is common with humans of ALL cultures, and its why I hate humanity!

  3. Pingback: Why Do Masculine Homosexual Guys Look Down On Female Guys? | Posts

  4. While I agree that feminine/flamboyant men should not be looked down upon or made fun of, this post entirely ignores the fact that not all people get along – simple as that. I don’t have many feminine gay friends because of the ones I’ve met, we simply don’t share the same interests. Just as we ask others to respect our lifestyle in general, you need to respect that not everyone is going to like everyone else, and that’s fine.

    Also, you say that masculine gay men look down on them for being “someone who’s brave enough to be the person you don’t have the guts to be.” Again, you’re assuming that all men naturally want to be feminine and flamboyant which is untrue. A major flaw in this article is how much it over-generalizes to the detriment of an entirely valid point: that people need to respect each other.

  5. This is nothing but another rant-n-rave piece, most likely from a millennial feeling self-entitled. If one gets past the “victim” rhetoric, the writer urges unity amongst various subgroups under the Rainbow by accepting all for who they are. And yet, in the same breath, he/she chastises those who don’t care for L’Oreal as wanting “desperately to fit in with the rest of the world.” I, for one, beg to differ.
    The unfortunate bitterness with which this was penned mars the key point: respect and dignity for all. However, I must confess I remain utterly puzzled why there persists the confusion between being “feminine” and “flamboyant.” Exaggerated flaming in an attempt to mimic ill-conceived notions of femininity is simply tragic. If anything, flamboyance only feeds into stereotypes against which we are all fighting to eradicate.

  6. Pingback: Why Do Masculine Gay Guys Look Down On Feminine Guys? | Umiius Magazine

  7. Pingback: An Open Letter to Gay Guys Who Look Down On “Fem Guys” -

  8. I loved what you wrote ignore the narrowminded and arrogant idiots here who disagreed with you they are a part of the problem and don’t even realize it.

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